I want to flash around my cigarette, hold it up, a misguided rebellion.
Dance in a room full of smoke to music I should’ve given up a few years ago.
The bed holds empty wrappers and a book that's catching dust.
I want to feel the veins I can draw out on my skin,
Sometimes I want to feel it clot.
I want to taste five dips, individually and then together.
Remnants on my t-shirt, chin and the white pillowcase I’ve been warned against.
Roll around in my underwear, laugh with my reflection.
I want to touch my skin till it heats up, place some ice and watch it melt.
A pool of its former self,
I want to watch it drip on hardwood floor,
If done often enough, I could damage it for good.
Dogs howl outside at 3am
I want to join them, get on all fours and demand a promised nothing,
But I stay in silence,
My keyboard the only sound, a monkey lamp my only witness.
Maybe I’ll clip my nails–
My dadi’s voice takes over,
“You shouldn’t cut your nails after sunset”, she said, never unkindly,
I never thought to ask why,
She never thought to ask why,
Her and I, we just did
She suffocated herself, her technique precise,
It’s the disguised empathy and good skin, I believe, that sold it for me.
She who serves, the mimicry of a life well lived.
We’ll sit around her asthi one day,
Reminisce of her goodness, a kind soul was lost, but such is life.
We’ll toast to a glorious life and parrot stories of her benevolence
My mum will wish for her soul to be at peace,
Me?
I wonder if she’ll stay to finish,
To flash around a cigarette and dance in a room full of smoke to music she should’ve given up years ago.
About the author,: Ayushi Gupta (She/her) is an actor, writer, filmmaker and, as her friends jokingly put it, the group's moral compass (not a hard feat considering their questionable standards). She began her artistic journey in English experimental theatre with a play titled Coming Out, which delved into gender fluidity and the complexities of self-disclosure. As an actor, she continued to do shows like Hostel Daze, Cubicles, etc and recently made her directional debut with a short film called 'Namak'
When she’s not acting or writing, Ayushi channels her creative energy into reading, pole dancing—partly for fitness and partly for its undeniable cool factor—and dreams of taking up pottery someday.
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