1. Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Prediction: The world is your oyster, and you are allergic to seafood, so avoid both those things.
Lucky Colour: Life jacket neon.
Things to Avoid: Buffets of any kind.
2. Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Prediction: Please pay all the money you owe to your friends and the government; the vultures are circling.
Lucky Colour: Whatever is the color of debt in your bank statement
Things to Avoid: Your landlord?
3. Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Prediction: Your ex-situationship has moved on, and they are not thinking of you.
Lucky Colour: The exact yellow they use on the bumble colour palette.
Things to Avoid: Happy hour when you are sad
4. Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Prediction: The jig is up, everyone at work knows you have been bluffing take the hit and change your job before you are fired.
Lucky Colour: LinkedIn blue
Things to Avoid: Your HR
5. Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Prediction: Apologies to your parent and the last person you yelled at for good luck
Lucky Colour: Every colour is lucky as long as you apologise
Things to Avoid: You seem to know everything, so why don't you figure it out yourself.
6. Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Prediction: If you feel like there is a stick up your ass... there probably is. Why dont you do something about it?
Lucky Colour: The colourlessness of a water based lube.
Things to Avoid: Frication, on every front, we have had enough.
7. Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Prediction: You know what is not a superpower? Overthinking. If your first thought was to debate this, maybe, just maybe, you will see my point.
Lucky Colour: Smog grey
Things to Avoid: Responsibility
8. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Prediction: Your friends need you to stop wearing your ass as a hat. It's not been in style since Margret Thatcher died.
Lucky Colour: You don't get one.
Things to Avoid: Internet, we need fewer scorpions on the gram.
9. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Prediction: A Taurus owes you money, and if you think you must use violence then who am I to stop you?
Lucky Colour: All shades of black, you are ride at midnight right?
Things to Avoid: Fingerprints, gloves are a Sagittarius's best friend.
10. Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Prediction: Did you get tired of everyone telling you that this is your year? I will not do that, summer and spring are not for you, better luck in autumn.
Lucky Colour: You have deluded yourself into believing a bright colour looks good on you, and except for that colour every other colour is lucky for you.
Things to Avoid: Co-star, Pattern, your mother's tarot reader and reality.
11. Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Prediction: Good news: Someone in your office has a crush on you. Bad news: They are a psychopath.
Lucky Colour: Bright, bold colours so people remember what you wore if you go missing.
Things to Avoid: Empty parking lots.
12. Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Prediction: If you think you are being cheated on, you probably are. There might be a slight chance of blackmail in your favour, though, consult a lawyer STAT.
Lucky Colour: Brown for some reason
Things to Avoid: Your morally superior friend's advice.