Aries (March 21 – April 19)
- August–October Prediction: Diva, this isn't you. Keep the knives down and step away from the kitchen. Patience isn't your strongest suit, but you must try to stay calm. No good thing will come out of a petty murder, remember.
- Lucky Colour: Do florals, be mad at them instead.
- Avoid: Letting your anger win; jails are no joke.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
- August–October Prediction: Your situanship has finally blocked you, proud of you. Now, pause the urge to replace them with another strikingly similar situation that makes you go insane.
- Lucky Colour: whatever doesn't remind you of them.
- Avoid: your fake accounts made to stalk people who have blocked you.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
- August–October Prediction: HA! You are supposed to “balance” so you are cooked, stay out of the streets tho.
- Lucky Colour: Whatever you think looks good on you, but your closest friends disagree with that.
- Avoid: streets, son.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
- August–October Prediction: My nice ex was cancer, he hasn't ever missed me, so as long as I care, all of you have hell to pay for, the eclipse in September suggests y'all will travel unsuccessfully, tho. Good luck or whatever
- Lucky Colour: You don't get one
- Avoid: You are already avoiding what you shouldn't, but fr? Travel agents.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
- August–October Prediction: You are not getting fired just because your boss didn't laugh at that one joke.. Stop spiralling.
- Lucky Colour: Whatever colour your pills are.
- Avoid: Your journal. It's an unreliable narrator of your story.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
- August–October Prediction: Up is down, and you don't wanna be saved because to do that, you have to ask for help. Everyone knows you would rather set your own genitals on fire than ask for help, so I would persuade you to not be around anything flammable for the coming months.
- Lucky Colour: the fire extinguisher red
- Avoid: being a cunt to people who wish the best for you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
- August–October Prediction: it's a bit rocky in the beginning and then it's just pyaar ka nanga nach on your close friends.
- Lucky Colour: whatever gets you off
- Avoid: Acting like the limb of your partner.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
- August–October Prediction: G5 girl G5! (Good god girl, get a grip) This goes for everything you are up to rn.
- Lucky Colour: What colour do you think common sense is?
- Avoid: your primal instincts if any are still active, that is
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
- August–October Prediction: Is your best friend upset with you? Do you hate your job? Are you lost about what to do next? If that's your life rn you can't blame astrology because everything looks fine here. If any of these areas suck, it's probably just you.
- Lucky Colour: baby pink for no reason at all
- Avoid: ChatGPT telling you your chart is messed up, it's not.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
- August–October Prediction: Good things are on their way for you, you just need to stop being such a fucking baby about it when it comes.
- Lucky Colour: Adult colours like black and white and cerulean
- Avoid: Overworking, idiot.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
- August–October Prediction: Unlike cancers, you guys are actually travelling, some of you might have to stay at home to get to that Goa trip with your gang, but destiny rewards courage.
- Lucky Colour: Green
- Avoid: whatever your parents are saying, they are so wrong.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
- August–October Prediction: Is your work going good? But you STILL need to do the inner work of not being a complete bitch every chance you get.
- Lucky Colour: the colour of accountability, which we have proclaimed to be Silver.
- Avoid: Escapism, problems don't go away just because you are wearing a face mask.
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