Hello. My name is Priya. I lead a rather regular life and love to recount the mundanities and my slight glimmers of understanding of how the world works. Who am I? A bumbling fool, an occasionally miserable employee, an empowered 20-something terrified of turning 30. Despite all the ennui and hopelessness, I write once a month about my life. I do not actively try to glean beauty and hope from things, I simply end up finding things that keep me going. I love many things, aspire towards better things, get knocked down, and painfully and reluctantly get back up. There are many things I can deny the world, but I cannot deny it my existence.
I had an eventful month. I got fired from my job. It was an extremely challenging place to work at, with many clashing egos. I tried my best for seven months to stay on top of things; however, the work was mind-numbing, the space was too noisy, and it felt very high-pressure without the knowledge of what the emergency was. Safe to say I shall be removing the “thrives under pressure” brag from my resume to something like “will crack and cry under pressure but bloom when nurtured”. It feels like I constantly present myself as a student who is willing to learn and get better if given a chance, rather than an asset to the organisation who will shake things up or keep things going. My friends have told me to take a good look at this tendency and change it. This self-doubt does me no favours; every time I have gotten cool opportunities, it has been because I felt capable enough to apply for things, but I hardly ever have a game plan for what to do after I get what I want. But I also like to think of myself as a cockroach, I refuse to give up. There will be more chances to get this right, and I hope they are deserving of me.
It is a little difficult to keep the hope alive, though. The job market and the gig economy are both on the ventilator. I was reading about India’s GDP growth rate slowing down considerably (from 8.2% to 6.4% in a year) despite it being a developing nation. The middle class is debt-ridden and unhappy.
I find myself eternally confused about my identity around work and ambition. Am I a go-getter, jet-setter, a “girlboss”, someone who is full of ideas and passion? Or am I just the human version of a happy worm/slug, content to munch on dry leaves and roll in mud? I deeply wish I were surrounded by all the luxuries the world has to offer without having to work for them. At the same time, I also find myself wishing that I weren’t so taken by shiny things. I want a Chanel bag. I want to fly business class. I desire the plush comfort and endless space that money can afford you. In other news, I have been trying to get fit again. All my body image issues aside, I just want to feel flexible once more. It is so ironic that despite wanting to find beauty everywhere, I struggle the most when I have to find it within me. I am training 3 days a week, and I always skip out on lunges and planks. I lie to my trainer about them, and I hope he never finds out.
Two years ago, I had this vivid dream where I was swimming in a pond of water with sunlight reflecting off it. I took it as a sign of something magical happening if I learnt how to swim. Since then, I have tried going swimming multiple times, but it is infinitely more difficult to swim in real life, in a sterile-looking blue pool smelling of chlorine, wearing a tight-fitted swimsuit. There is still a sense of magic when you put your head down under the water, and the world seems to go quiet. Something or the other keeps getting in the way of my going regularly. Right now, the pool I go to is under renovation. It is very annoying. The world seems to be burning, drowning, and about to implode. Amongst it all, Artificial Intelligence has become a wild card entrant. We have been scared about robots taking over the world, but never in my wildest dreams did I think Generative AI is how it will start. Is this how the end begins, not with a bang but with a whimper? I consume a lot of my news through social media. The way I found out about the Gachibowli incident was through this AI generated image floating around on Instagram stories. My first reaction was not “That is terrible”, it was “This is clearly AI”.
I want to leave you with my photo reel of flowers and this sad poem I found. There is always hope, and there is always something good to be pulled out of this wretched world. I hope my swimming pool opens up again. I need to put my head underwater for 5 seconds desperately. Have a good month, I am rooting for you.