Q1) "Dear Nani, my boyfriend doesn’t get along with my friends. Should I be worried? Is it important for girlfriends to get along with their boyfriends’ friends? I don’t personally mind it, but it would be nice to have all the people I love over for dinner at once."
-V, (Delhi)
Dear dear,
What an important question you’ve asked. The tides may change, but the troubles remain the same, generation after generation.
Now, some other agony aunts (like that Shobha) would give you a straight answer:
“No!! Your friends must approve! How can you have a boyfriend who does not like your friends, and friends who dislike your boyfriend? Remember, boys come and go, but friends are forever.”
Or something equally trite.
But, having a few more years of experience than her, my advice is little more balanced.
You see, there are actually two worlds we women occupy: the ideal world and the real world.
In an ideal world, our boyfriends would immediately get along with our friends. They’d all laugh together at dinner, play charades, and secretly make a whatsapp group to text each other about your surprise birthday plans.
But in the real world, just as boys aren’t perfect, our friends are not exactly saints either. We’ve known them for so long, we no longer care about their flaws. You know Anisha is a little snobby, and Dipti can go on and on about hangovers (the colonial kind) and Sana might be just a little bit dumb.
Now, a new boy who has just entered your life is not obliged to accept those flaws… especially since he hasn’t been on the receiving end of Anisha or Dipti or Sana’s generosity one night in holding your hair back while you puked up several pieces of chilli paneer and she missed out on dancing on her favourite song in the discotheque. He hasn’t had them listen to his family drama, or had them join in bitching about his chachi, and he certainly had them endure his spirituality-veganism-only thrifted clothes phase.
Why we are friends with our friends is our own little personal history… impossible to explain to creatures like boyfriends. And if they don’t automatically understand, it’s not always necessary to forcibly impress it upon their fragile minds (who has that kind of time these days?!).
So no, everyone doesn’t need to be all buddy-buddy and give Jai and Veeru a run for their money.
However, I must add small caveat: making an effort with your friends is, as you Gen Z would describe it, bare minimum.
If he cannot even pretend to care or tolerate your friendships for one evening, I’m afraid he doesn’t care at all, and his ungallant backside must be dumped curbside at the earliest possible date.
But if he’s willing to try (even occasionally), and you are able to wrangle together a courteous enough dinner with the bunch of them, then we need not worry too much.
Or at least, that’s what Nani says.
Q2) "My mother really wants me to get married before 30. While I do have a boyfriend I would like to not get married and never have children. How do I ask her to accept this and focus on her own life."
-E, (Kolkata)
Such a familiar storm you find yourself in… One that women have been weathering for generations, clinging precariously to the sides of the boat that is our personhood, while unimaginative relatives sound the siren call to our mothers: shaadi karva do, ladki haath se nikal jaayegi.
It is our fate: the great frenzy of matrimonial pressure must arrive, as it did for so many before us.
In my time, it hit the moment you turned 18. These days, it offers a little more leeway… creeping in around 25.Or if you’re truly blessed, at 27.
You haven’t mentioned your age, but from the faint note of terror emanating from your words, I’m guessing you’re inching ever so dangerously toward 30.
Here’s the good news: that’s a fabulous place to be.
Why? Because you only have to endure the madness for a few more years. Society is firmly of the belief that you shrivel up and turn into a harpy once you cross 30. At 31, you become what they call a “gone case”.... And the great thing about gone cases is that no one bothers to tell them what to do.
Now, I could tell you to sit your mother down and explain that you're an adult, that it’s your life, your timeline, your body, and so on. But this is real life… and that kind of logic rarely survives contact with the average Indian household.
So, what’s to be done?
Ah. There is a secret strategy. One passed down quietly through generations.
A gentle, time-honoured art from. Whispered through the ages between women of substance.
It’s called: stalling.
Having considerable experience in this field, I offer you a few tried-and-tested techniques from my personal archive:
- Become financially independent. Every time mother mentions marriage, show her your bank statement. She can’t continue to ask annoying questions with her jaw on the floor.
- Fake your death. Not ideal, but may be necessary. Re-emerge at 31 with 3 new cats.
- If all else fails: Get a Master’s degree. Avoiding marriage is the sole reason these things were even invented.
Most mothers, bless them, really do mean well. They’ve glimpsed what freedom might look like… but they’re still weighed down by years of inherited survival logic: “Be married. Be settled. Be safe.”
What they haven’t quite realised yet is this: You can skip the first and still have the other two.
And here’s the thing: if you are happy, fulfilled, and at peace with your choices, your mother might come around. Maybe not today. Maybe not next year. Let’s be honest: maybe not ever. But disappointing your mother builds character. So, do exactly what you want.
Or at least, that’s what Nani says.
Q3) I just found out that my best friend’s fiancé was messaging someone I know, trying to meet up while he was already dating my friend. The girl he messaged was actually an old Hinge match, but she didn’t reply or meet up with him. This obviously implies there were others, but I have no proof beyond this one incident. Still, it’s unsettling. I’m torn on whether I should tell her. We’ve grown a bit distant since she got serious with him, and she already knows I don’t like the way he treats her. I’m worried that saying something might come across as me trying to interfere… but if I don’t tell her, and she finds out later, would she feel like I betrayed her trust? I feel really stuck and unsure of what the right thing is here. - SadGirl101, Mumbai
-A, (Mumbai)
To be or not to be a girl’s girl: that is the question.
The thing is, when it comes to things like love… it gets more complicated.
I blame the social scientists and researchers of today. They are busy focusing on useless things like how much a woman’s waist circumference affects her salary, instead of finding answers to important questions like what is the exact number of brain cells lost when a woman falls in love?
We all know that you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. There is no denying that. The horse will not blame you when that happens. But it is also true that if the horse is thirsty, and you know there is water nearby, and you don’t at least inform the horse about the water… then later, the horse will block you on Insta.
“Now, you have two options” - this is something Shobha would say and is the worst possible sentence one can put in an advice column. Hence, don’t worry: Nani’s advice is never multiple choice. I will tell you the two options (for your growth and knowledge) and also tell you which one to pick.
OPTION ONE: Don’t tell her.There is no doubt she will eventually find out on her own, break up with him, and also break up with you for not telling her.Your friendship will survive as long as she doesn't find out… technically, you are exactly like her boyfriend in this case.
This is the easy-on-her but hard-on-your-conscience route, and also detrimental and delusional if you want a long-term friendship.
OPTION TWO: Tell her.Three outcomes are likely if you do this. Let us go through them one by one. a. She might not believe you and will stop being friends with you. You see, some horses will still say, “but I can’t see any H2O molecules,” even as you dunk their face in a river and gently waterboard them. (Reason: see above, loss of brain cells when in love.) She’ll live with him in frustrated denial and eventually become the sort of aunty who goes and complains to her sister that she saw her niece with a boy and people will kindly request her to attempt to get a life.
Will hurt to lose a friend, yes, but over time hurts more to maintain a veneer of nonchalance while seething with pity - is that a real friendship?
b. She will believe you and go ask him about it. He will make up a bullshit excuse, she will believe him, and she will stop being friends with you for many years. (Reason: see above, loss of brain cells when in love.) Until one day finally, she will come around and realize this man is more broken and bereft of use than a footpath in Mumbai and that is where he belongs. She will apologize to you. Friendship season renewal. Critically acclaimed. Happily ever after.
c. She will believe you, and she will leave him. Cue: breakup montage, with some second chances given and swiftly squandered, followed by getting over him and masti times. You’ll have to put in some emotional work, but the return on investment in girl friendships is always infinite.
You see, in the second option, all paths lead to pain in the short term, and happiness in the long term. Obviously, Nani will tell you to go with the second option. And you will listen… unless you have also suffered brain damage due to a boy.
In conclusion: To be a girl’s girl is always the answer.
Q4) How do I actually stop comparing myself and my whole life to other people? Everyone seems to be doing better than me, and I’m just over here spiraling in my own head. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but it still gets me every time. It’s like I’ve been completely robbed of my confidence and peace of mind and I don't know how to stop it. How do I stop feeling behind in life, or like I’m not good enough just because I’m not where someone else is?
- comparison_coma
Some say I have been known to fall into this trap as well with a certain Shobha who may or may not be entirely deserving of my ire. I will not lie, I do compare myself to her.
This is the great horror of adulthood. It’s a jumpscare. You’re brushing your hair, feeling the littlest bit of optimism, wondering if you will be blessed with a miracle like managing to get an Uber in under an hour. Suddenly, a phantom hand (yours), inches towards your phone and opens up that dreaded hellscape. A post appears. A girl you once shared a tuition floor with just won the Best Dentist award in the Netherlands.
Your hand freezes. Your breath shortens. Your brain goes: What are you doing with your life? Why aren’t you the best dentist in the Netherlands? Why did you choose the arts in the 11th grade? Why did you become a graphic designer instead of a dentist? Can you still become one now? Will your general disdain for teeth hold you back forever? And worst of all: Even if you manage to pull it off now… She already did it first. At this age. This very age. And on. And on. And on.
You see, comparison is the thief of joy.
Which is why you must be vigilant. There is a thief in the neighborhood, and you must catch him immediately: red-handed, mid-burglary.
Jump out at him. Raise the alarm. Shout. Scream. Throw a fit. Call your friends and neighbours and tell them a robbery is in progress.
They will come running. They will remind you: You are brilliant. You are enough. You are more than enough. This thief has no right to steal from you.
But yes… sometimes, the thief is sneaky. You’re sleepy, you’re vulnerable, your phone has been on your face for hours… and the thief slips in. By the time you notice, half your joy is gone.
So now what?
You see, you can think of it like this: life is pretty fucking boring… Sometimes the thief doesn’t break in. Sometimes you leave the door open on purpose. Why? Because the human brain is capable of great genius, but also of incredible nonsense. Sometimes, when things are steady and peaceful, the brain goes: Hmm. Too boooring.
So it conjures up a comparison. It picks a random LinkedIn post and says: There. That’s your nemesis now. Or it drops a perfectly nice person’s vacation photos into your lap and goes: Why don’t YOU have a house in Tuscany??
But this is the cheat code: this chaos is a choice. It’s your brain handing you a challenge. A side quest. Something to chase. You can accept it. You can use it. Set a goal. Make a move. Do the thing! Prove something to yourself!
Or you can say, thanks but no thanks, and go back to your happy, peaceful existence. Both choices lead to a happy,y wholesome ending. Not every day has to be a plot twist. Sometimes, a nap is all the character development you need. So whether you decide to rise and conquer… or stay in your soft pants and rot cheerfully - it’s truly okay.
Life is a choose-your-own-adventure board game. You can follow the rules that some guy set many years ago - and win, which is fun. Or you can throw out the pieces, use the board as a coaster, make up your version, and win that instead. Also, a lot of fun.
Or lose. Go out in a blaze. Then make a surprise comeback no one saw coming. The most fun.
Be the underdog. Be the villain. Be the comic relief. Change roles halfway through. Rest if you must. Laugh if you can. Nothing is ever that serious. You are not being timed. There is no referee.
The sun will swallow the Earth in a few thousand years, and every last accomplishment, and non-accomplishment will burn (Grammy, Oscar, Best Dentist Awards included).
Or at least that’s what Nani says.
Q5)How do I stop feeling guilty for wanting different things now than I did before? Sometimes I think about who I used to be… the version of me who had big dreams, big plans. And then I look at where I am now, which is a completely different path. I’m happy, and I think this is the right path for me, but still… I feel I’ve let her down. How to be okay with wanting different things as I age? How do I tell my past self that I changed my mind?
Dear dear,
I must congratulate and be straight with you: you have stumped me. This is something I don't know the answer to. So instead, Nani will take the opportunity to philosophize while trying to come up with a decent answer.
Gen Z talks a lot about main characters these days. We are all living in some sort of movie. So I will speak in your language.
You see, Life doesn’t have a genre. A romantic comedy can turn into a horror movie. An action thriller can fizzle out into a family drama. A disaster flick is just every day. You see, main character arcs are not linear. Great films don't follow expectations. Would you have liked Dhoom 2 as much if you already knew Hrithik Roshan was the Queen of England?
The line between being a kid and turning into an adult is thin. It doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t even realise when it happens. You keep waiting for someone to yell action. Before you know it, someone is already yelling cut. In this process, we don’t fully get to get over our old selves, what they wanted and needed, and accept our new selves. We carry parts of them without realising that we can let them go.
The thing is, Younger You dreamed based on who she was and what she knew back then. You’re living based on who you are now, with new information and real experience. You don’t need to drag her through the rest of your life just to keep her happy. She got you this far. Now you get to take over.
Finally, I will tell you this: sometimes your younger self needs a hug, yes, but sometimes your younger self just needs a slap. She is no great goddess that you need to impress constantly. We tend to romanticize our younger selves as wise little prophets. All their ideas are based on wanting safety, love, excitement, purpose, and wanting to impress Rishabh from 10th B).
Younger You thought it was cool to drink six different kinds of alcohol on an empty stomach. If she tries to guilt-trip you, just tell her that this is revenge for the liver damage.
Or at least that’s what Nani says.
Q6) I recently had an abortion: it was a quick and clear decision, and I’m at peace with it. But I keep wondering: will I ever be in a position to have a child? And even if I am, do I really want to bring a child, especially a daughter, into a world that feels so harsh and unkind? Why does womanhood often feel so painful and heavy?- Meena Kumari XOXO
First of all, I must congratulate your generation on your good sense. It delights me to see you young people thinking about these things, not just popping out little ones like you are a paanipuri stall.
Having said that, your words seem to carry the terror and confusion that leaks out of women approaching one of life’s so-called (made up) “milestones.” Late twenties. Early thirties. Insta baddies.
You’ve asked a very big question all wrapped up in layers of anxiety and general existential dread, so I’m going to break it up.
First - “Will I ever be in a position to have a child?”
That depends. That great old “position” - what is it? What does it even mean? Financially ready? Emotionally stable? Happily partnered? Owning matching tupperware?
The real question is: do you want the option? Ask yourself, really. Is it something you really want to consider?
If not, great! Move on! Live your life! Remember to switch off the geyser when you go on holiday!
On the other hand, if there is even a small, quiet voice in you that says, “maybe one day” then it means you are truly ‘considering’. My advice is this: work towards having the option. That means building a life where motherhood could be an easy possibility, should you want it. Financially, emotionally, physically. Not because you must take that path, but because having that choice will open you up to what you actually want. It will help you decide whether this is just societal pressure or something that comes from deep within.
Next - Do you even want to bring a child, especially a daughter, into a world this harsh?
A very fair concern. After all, even the lemons that life gives are far too expensive now.
The general state of things is… not very promising, it’s true. But has it ever been?
I will tell you this - you’re not bringing a child into the world… you’re bringing them into your world. What I mean is, you are not the world. You are a specific street, in a specific neighbourhood, in a specific home that smells like great food and plays really good music on Sunday mornings and buys her a tub of baskin robbins ice cream after she is sad that she didn’t score as well as she thought in the physics paper.
And finally...you asked, “Why does womanhood feel so painful and heavy?”
Being a human woman is tough (I’m sure being a female frog might also be difficult, but I have no personal experience in the matter. I’ve never had to lay 4000 eggs in a pond while escaping predators).
It’s true. Womanhood is not easy. That is what it is. This is our lot. You can take it or leave it.
But you can’t say it’s boring. And that, dear, is the upside. The upside is that it’s interesting being a woman. You get to feel things deeply. You get to experience them fully. You have access to the entire vast emotional buffet of life. Rage, tenderness, envy, ecstasy, confusion, clarity. Sometimes you get all of these in a single afternoon! Which man has that?
Womanhood is painful - but I would argue it’s (almost) equal amounts fun. Especially because we get to experience it with other women who are going through the same thing.
When it gets too heavy? Turn to one of them and ask her to carry some of the load. She’ll do it gladly.
Or at least… that’s what Nani says.
About the author: Aashna Sharma is a writer, researcher, and creative producer from Mumbai who has previously worked at places like Vitamin Stree (which shut down) and VICE Asia (which shut down), and is now working for herself™ (which, hopefully, won’t shut down). Having recently completed a master’s degree, she’s currently trying to master the art of not compulsively recontextualizing everyday occurrences into manifestations of late-stage colonial hegemony.
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