Q1) "Dear Nani, my boyfriend doesn’t get along with my friends. Should I be worried? Is it important for girlfriends to get along with their boyfriends’ friends? I don’t personally mind it, but it would be nice to have all the people I love over for dinner at once."
-V, (Delhi)
Dear dear,
What an important question you’ve asked. The tides may change, but the troubles remain the same, generation after generation.
Now, some other agony aunts (like that Shobha) would give you a straight answer:
“No!! Your friends must approve! How can you have a boyfriend who does not like your friends, and friends who dislike your boyfriend? Remember, boys come and go, but friends are forever.”
Or something equally trite.
But, having a few more years of experience than her, my advice is little more balanced.
You see, there are actually two worlds we women occupy: the ideal world and the real world.
In an ideal world, our boyfriends would immediately get along with our friends. They’d all laugh together at dinner, play charades, and secretly make a whatsapp group to text each other about your surprise birthday plans.
But in the real world, just as boys aren’t perfect, our friends are not exactly saints either. We’ve known them for so long, we no longer care about their flaws. You know Anisha is a little snobby, and Dipti can go on and on about hangovers (the colonial kind) and Sana might be just a little bit dumb.
Now, a new boy who has just entered your life is not obliged to accept those flaws… especially since he hasn’t been on the receiving end of Anisha or Dipti or Sana’s generosity one night in holding your hair back while you puked up several pieces of chilli paneer and she missed out on dancing on her favourite song in the discotheque. He hasn’t had them listen to his family drama, or had them join in bitching about his chachi, and he certainly had them endure his spirituality-veganism-only thrifted clothes phase.
Why we are friends with our friends is our own little personal history… impossible to explain to creatures like boyfriends. And if they don’t automatically understand, it’s not always necessary to forcibly impress it upon their fragile minds (who has that kind of time these days?!).
So no, everyone doesn’t need to be all buddy-buddy and give Jai and Veeru a run for their money.
However, I must add small caveat: making an effort with your friends is, as you Gen Z would describe it, bare minimum.
If he cannot even pretend to care or tolerate your friendships for one evening, I’m afraid he doesn’t care at all, and his ungallant backside must be dumped curbside at the earliest possible date.
But if he’s willing to try (even occasionally), and you are able to wrangle together a courteous enough dinner with the bunch of them, then we need not worry too much.
Or at least, that’s what Nani says.
Q2) "My mother really wants me to get married before 30. While I do have a boyfriend I would like to not get married and never have children. How do I ask her to accept this and focus on her own life."
-E, (Kolkata)
Such a familiar storm you find yourself in… One that women have been weathering for generations, clinging precariously to the sides of the boat that is our personhood, while unimaginative relatives sound the siren call to our mothers: shaadi karva do, ladki haath se nikal jaayegi.
It is our fate: the great frenzy of matrimonial pressure must arrive, as it did for so many before us.
In my time, it hit the moment you turned 18. These days, it offers a little more leeway… creeping in around 25.Or if you’re truly blessed, at 27.
You haven’t mentioned your age, but from the faint note of terror emanating from your words, I’m guessing you’re inching ever so dangerously toward 30.
Here’s the good news: that’s a fabulous place to be.
Why? Because you only have to endure the madness for a few more years. Society is firmly of the belief that you shrivel up and turn into a harpy once you cross 30. At 31, you become what they call a “gone case”.... And the great thing about gone cases is that no one bothers to tell them what to do.
Now, I could tell you to sit your mother down and explain that you're an adult, that it’s your life, your timeline, your body, and so on. But this is real life… and that kind of logic rarely survives contact with the average Indian household.
So, what’s to be done?
Ah. There is a secret strategy. One passed down quietly through generations.
A gentle, time-honoured art from. Whispered through the ages between women of substance.
It’s called: stalling.
Having considerable experience in this field, I offer you a few tried-and-tested techniques from my personal archive:
- Become financially independent. Every time mother mentions marriage, show her your bank statement. She can’t continue to ask annoying questions with her jaw on the floor.
- Fake your death. Not ideal, but may be necessary. Re-emerge at 31 with 3 new cats.
- If all else fails: Get a Master’s degree. Avoiding marriage is the sole reason these things were even invented.
Most mothers, bless them, really do mean well. They’ve glimpsed what freedom might look like… but they’re still weighed down by years of inherited survival logic: “Be married. Be settled. Be safe.”
What they haven’t quite realised yet is this: You can skip the first and still have the other two.
And here’s the thing: if you are happy, fulfilled, and at peace with your choices, your mother might come around. Maybe not today. Maybe not next year. Let’s be honest: maybe not ever. But disappointing your mother builds character. So, do exactly what you want.
Or at least, that’s what Nani says.
About the author: Aashna Sharma is a writer, researcher, and creative producer from Mumbai who has previously worked at places like Vitamin Stree (which shut down) and VICE Asia (which shut down), and is now working for herself™ (which, hopefully, won’t shut down). Having recently completed a master’s degree, she’s currently trying to master the art of not compulsively recontextualizing everyday occurrences into manifestations of late-stage colonial hegemony.
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