Hello. I have had a June-July that makes me want to run a road roller on myself for the body ache, and another one on my brain to squeeze out all thoughts. I travelled to Kolkata for a 2-week workshop, which was very gratifying. It was hardly a vacation though, which is why I feel like I returned back more tired than ever. I actually flew shortly after the Ahmedabad Air India crash. For a while before we landed, I found myself thinking about what would happen if this were to end right now. Someone I follow on social media had written that they say a quiet prayer every time their plane has to land. I was quite aware of being very small and powerless in the belly of a machine in the air. I thought of my prayer, it would be a request for a safe landing, and in case that is not possible, a thank you for the life so far.
The plane did land, and I got up too quickly and left my phone behind. I realised right as I was out of the door that my phone was missing. Do you know they don’t allow you to go back inside? They all widened their eyes in alarm and stopped me when I turned to go back inside. One of the airhostesses brought it back for me. She had a really chic bob. The rest of the trip, I did not have any thoughts of death because I was eating too many great things while being quite sick and also having fever dreams. There is a place called ‘Sienna’ in Kolkata that served me an excellent tequila-gondhoraj-pineapple drink. I used those dreams to actually make my first photobook dummy. I am very proud of it. After I came back, I put my heart and soul into an application for this residency happening in Kasauli, but I did not get through. My friend who applied after me got through. I had to feel the actually horrible and complicated feeling called “happy for you but sad for myself”. I feel many times when I say I am happy for someone, I am just saying it to be polite. I usually feel indifference or jealousy. Genuine happiness at a friend succeeding at the same thing you did not is quite alien to me. I feel like every time I talk to you, I will have a swimming progress update to share. After learning how to freestyle somewhat, today I was moved to the lane. A coach will be with me for the last time to teach me the breaststroke. I am going to miss being coached once I am deemed okay to swim in lanes on my own. I also had a really terrible fight with one of my closest friends over some really stupid things. It really pulled me down. I was only revived when I saw Himesh Reshammiya in concert.
I have been really enthusiastic about sleeping lately. I keep browsing for pyjama sets, essential oils, and eye masks. I am considering carrying around a neck pillow so that I can nap in autos. If depression is going to make me sleepy all the time, I might as well lean into it. I have been thinking a lot about rest. It is my firm belief that there exists a nap which is so perfect that it will heal your innermost wounds. You will lie down in your clean clothes and sheets, it will smell cozy, and you will drift effortlessly to sleep. And right at the 20-minute mark of the nap, you will have a 10-minute dream, in which you will forgive your past and bless your future. You will wake up without any grogginess and with all the answers. I aim to achieve that nap in this life. Does this make me tired or lazy? Sometimes I wonder if my desire to rest and never work is actually a personality trait rather than an illness. I never look forward to productivity as much as I look forward to rest. However, it is hard not to feel guilty about it. Rest does not pay rent.
I have been a part of a queer-only artist cohort with QAMI, and it has been the safest I have felt in Delhi. We meet every Friday to talk, learn, create, think about things, and giggle. It has been a month of more unbridled creative energy despite all the hopelessness. My screen usage had hit 12 hrs at one point, and I have started going out more to not be on my phone as much. I have been having a really complicated time with regard to my relationships and career. I don’t have any clear answers. I feel supported but without direction. I think my ideal job would involve art, culture, people, and travel. Send leads my way if you know what fits this. Or any book, show, or article that you think might help me feel less alone in this. Have a good week. I am rooting for you.
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About the author: Priya Thakur (she/they) is a visual artist and writer based in Delhi, with a soft spot for masala dosa. Known for her keen eye and thoughtful expression, Priya’s work is a reflection of her unique perspective on the world. The editors of this space believe her creativity captures the essence of everyday moments, turning them into profound reflections.
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