You Are Earth Now

For Ishwat Bahadur Adhikary, rest easy and in power old friend. 

I lit a joint for you today, 
not incense, not prayer – 
the kind of smoke 
you would have called holy, 
if only to mock 
the priests with their soft palms 
and sanitized grief. 

They lit candles outside 
an establishment you would have spat on – 
velvet ropes, polished grief, 
the kind that smells of floral soap 
and the staleness of diplomacy. 
I stood there, 
dragged into their ritual, 
a familiar shoulder grazing mine 
as my body flinched 
against the choreography of mourning. 
And I remembered – 
how you howled 
at the ivory towers, 
your rage like a dog without a leash, 
beautiful, dangerous, 
necessary. 

In that flickering second 
your life came back to me – 
not the one they wrote in statements, 
but yours – 
the one that lived in corner-store laughter, 
in cigarette burns on borrowed notebooks, 
in that one fountain pen 
you refused to let go, 
clutching it like a lung 
ink seeping into your veins 
as if memory had colour 
and a scent. 

The music came next – 
your heavy metal refuge, 
loud, lawless, 
a language I never spoke 
but always heard 
in the tremor of your foot 
on the floor. 

Then the photos – 
your chest opened up 
like a ragged book. 
You died in those 
same stupid shorts – 
the ones you wore 
when we dragged you after school, 
begging, 
come with us, 
don’t go home just yet. 

The flame on my candle shook. 
It didn’t want to stay. 
Maybe it was you, 
a rebel still, 
plotting escape with the wind. 

When I placed it down, 
my heart sank 
like yours must have – 
as the state drank you dry 
on a road that still 
smells of gunmetal and piss. 

I walked to parliament 
to search for your blood. 
But it was everywhere – 
on walls, on banners, 
on the mouths of men 
who never knew you. 

And it was nowhere. 
Because none of it 
was you. 

Only then – 
my stubborn, dry-eyed heart 
let go. 
And believed 
you were gone. 

About the author : Simoni Agarwal (she/her) is a psychologist and researcher based in Kathmandu, Nepal. She earned her Postgraduate degree from TISS, Mumbai. She has a myriad of interests and is passionate about social causes, particularly in the domain of political and feminist issues. In her free time, she co-runs a book club and finds joy in consuming various forms of media. She is perpetually curious about everything, which often translates into her work.